fair results, but grand intent

Another year is wrapping up, and I'm feeling a little bit lost without an established tradition to keep up anymore. Routine has always been my jam, with it becoming ever more necessary in recent years. But that old year's end list habit took a dive back in 2020, and last year I went in a different route that doesn't feel right to try to replicate, either. I find myself, at the end of 2022, more aware of life's uncertainties than perhaps I've been before, and it's definitely a result of the last few years' worth of roller coaster living. 

In years past, I loved to wrap up the year's end with a shiny bow of a blog post-- equal numbers of pictures and individual accomplishments of each child, along with funny anecdotes and highlights from some of our favorite activities with family and friends. Our family experiences were less complicated and complex, and it was possible to share stories about the children without getting too personal. With teen and adult aged children, I now look at this space in a different manner, leading me to share less in both photo and story format. 

It doesn't help that the last few years have been some of our most challenging, with each family member experiencing fairly deep and difficult journeys through a hodgepodge of adolescence, the pandemic, and personal growth and exploration. Their stories aren't mine to tell, with even my own role in their stories being something I don't feel comfortable writing about in a public space, even if those stories have put my own life on paths I never anticipated.

An inability to anticipate what's to come seems to be the theme for 2020-2022, and I don't think it's going to slow down any time soon either. My own story has begun new chapters that are still continuing to surprise me, as I'm starting to look at myself and my ways of moving and living in the world in some new lights. To be middle-aged and still learning about yourself is actually quite a privilege to experience. At least that's what I'm trying to remind myself on the regular.

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Almost 15 years ago, I jumped on the six word memoir hype, jostling words around in my head for days and days until I came up with what seemed most fitting at the time. Earlier this year, it was worked into a tattoo I had planned to represent aspects of my identity, and it continues to feel more fitting than ever. 

honorable intentions, heartfelt efforts, mixed results

As I look back on another year of parenthood, marriage, and generally existing in this world as a human, these six words still feel just right. This year brought barrels of laughs alongside buckets of tears, and through all of it, I gave everything I have. And while I won't go into the details, I'm happy to say that we're closing out the year in a relatively stable spot for those who fill my heart. Those heartfelt efforts aren't coming just from me-- I'm confident that we are ALL doing our best.

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At this precipice of a new year, this motley crew stays by my side, through all the muck and the magic, and I just can't ask for more than that. The reality is that mixed or fair results are actually quite amazing, all in all. 

Title inspiration: "If This Plane Goes Down" by Tim Minchin